Joe Spinella and Don Jefferson had been spending the past 6 years in one of the most respected retirement communities in Eastern Canada. Both the same ages, Joe and Don were the youngest residents at the community at a ripe 68 while the average age of the rest was 86. Joe and Don were former coaches of a National Hockey League team. When the Quebec Nordiques went bankrupt and were forced to move to Colorado, Joe and Don were too proud to accept an offer to join the new squad in the United States and decided to retire from hockey all together. The two decided to move into a retirement home to get away from everyone. With their liveliness and a bit of boredom, the two worked their way into the role of activity directors.
"We've tried cane fights, wheelchair derbies and apple sauce eating contests. The residents seem to love them, but that damn Ethel McMullin just won't get off our cases. It seems like no matter what we do, we'll get fired." The two walked into the sitting lounge and popped on the television. Trying to look for ideas, the two flipped through all of the 215 channels. Late at night, the reception is a little better for some reason. It might have been the air or the altitude, but for some reason, tonight was just a little clearer than usual. Channel 168 came through loud and clear especially to Joe and Don. A sexy, big breasted, oiled up woman crammed into a red dress 4 sizes too small for her spoke. "Feeling lonely? Need some action? Why not stop down to Club Desire and you can see what's underneath this dress. Whether it's a bachelor party, or just a good time, bring all your friends and stop on down to see the hottest ladies that Quebec has to offer." Joe nudged Don and said, "Did you see that? Do you know what I'm thinking right now? I have got the best idea for an activity." Don could see the wheels turning inside Joe's head. "No matter what we do, we're going to get axed for it, eh? So why not go for something big." Don asked, "Big? What do you mean big?" All Joe could do was smile, cross his arms confidently and nod in pleasure.
"Joe, there is no way that we are going to be able to pull this off. Ethel'll kill us!" Don cried out to a determined Joe. "When have you ever been against any of my ideas before? I know you love this idea deep down in you heart. All you are worried about is your job here, and it isn't even a real job, we don't get paid, it's just something to do. Who really cares what happens? I don't. We can't get kicked out of this place, eh? The worst that will happen is that we'll lose our positions as activity directors, they can't kick us out of the place, so don't worry about anything, alright?" Don shuffled his feet a bit and mumbled under his breath and reluctantly agreed to have a Fluffy Acres Belly Dancing Night.
"Mrs. Graham, we were wondering if you would be interested in being a part of our next activity. What we are planning on doing is a bit risqué, but also will be a lot of fun. Mrs. Graham, we know you did some dancing in your earlier days and we want to know if you'd like to dance for our next activity. The only thing is that you would have to wear this." Joe elbowed Don and he pulled out a tiny, hot pink bikini top and bottom from a brown bag. "Oh dear!" Mrs. Graham said in shock that slowly turned into intrigue as she started to stoke the silky garment. "Will I be the only one dancing with this on?" Don tried to assure her by saying, "Well, no, but we need your help. Do you, by any chance, know of any other women in the community who would like to dance on stage?" With a puzzled look, Mrs. Graham looked into her head and said, "You know, I may be able to dig up a few girls from my bridge club. Now, you know that that old bitch, Ethel will never let you get away with this." Joe laughed and commented, "Yes, I know, that's why we have to keep this a complete secret, ok?" Mrs. Graham winked, grabbed the hot pink suit and ran in her room to her phone. Joe and Don turned to each other, smiled and gave each other a high five.
At the dining hall that night, Joe worked the right half of the room and Don had the right. They went up to every male in the entire room and told them about the night's activity. Even the men who needed hearing aids didn't need them to know what Joe and Don were telling them. "And be sure to bring any dollar bills you have because I'm sure that with a little bribing, these ladies will be putty in your hands." Joe told one man. As the two walked up to get their tray of food, they passed the bridge club ladies who smiled and winked at the two. Joe and Don took their trays over to them and chatted for a bit. "Are you ladies excited for tonight's activity?" Out of the corner, yelled Ethel, "Activity? What activity have you planned for tonight, guys?" Joe stuttered a bit and said, "Well, Mrs. McMullin, there is a, um, a bridge tournament tonight in the main hall. Yeah, a bridge tournament and I was just talking it up with the ladies here." Don blurted out, "Yes, a bridge tournament! That's it!" A cautious Ethel said, "Well, ok, it sounds like it has the potential to be a wholesome activity. Good work, fellas." The women at the table giggled as if they were at a junior high lunch table. "If you ladies have any questions before tonight, just call us. See you later, eh, ladies?"
"We almost got caught, eh, Joe?" Don was still a bit worried about tonight, but as he walked away from the table of bridge players and the smiles on their faces he realized that the girls were having fun. "But we didn't, not until tonight, right, Joe?" Joe and Don walked back to their room to get the music they would need for the night and then set up for the night of bridge in the main hall. Don was feeling more comfortable as time ticked away. It was now one half hour before the tournament and both Joe and Don were ready for some fun.
As the two walked down the corridor towards the main hall to set up, they heard Ethel talking to the personnel director about the bridge tournament tonight. All they could do was laugh hysterically. "What do you think she is going to say when she finally sees what we're really going to do in there?" Don said, "I don't know, but I bet it'll be funny, that's for sure. She will expect to see nice old men and ladies playing bridge, but what she will see is old, decrepit, wrinkly torsos and legs." Joe remarked, "Yeah, that's pretty funny, eh?"
The men started to walk into the room one by one and filled up the seats up front quickly. Almost every male resident of Fluffy Acres was inside the main hall. Once the men were settled, Don lowered the lights and Joe put the music on. Hoots and hollers filled the hall as a heavily dressed Mrs. Graham strutted up the aisle between a sea of gawking men. Those who could reached their arm out to try and touch the wrinkled jewel as she teased them. "Mrs. Graham, I thought you were going to wear the hot pink bikini?" Joe feverishly asked. "It's on underneath my coat," she whispered. "Nice touch," Joe added. "Why thanks," Mrs. Graham giggled. She wiggled her hips up to the front of the stage and dropped her housecoat on the floor. A gasp came over the crowd as they were blinded by hot pink.
As Mrs. Graham teased the boys in the crowd, the other ladies entered through the sides to join her up on stage. They weren't as creative as Mrs. Graham for they came on stage in their bikini only. The colors of the neon rainbow lit up the dark room and the eyes of all the men barely sitting in their seats. Shaking, dancing and jiggling, the 8 ladies on stage brought life to the aging men. Realizing that they were doing so, the ladies all huddled together to and it appeared they were devising a plan. Joe and Don looked at each other and nodded their heads as the men yelled and moaned for more.
The women formed a can-can line and wrapped their arms around each other. Mrs. Graham was on the end, unlatched herself from the line and came to the front. She slithered and wiggled around and started to reach her arms behind her back. The men yelled and screamed louder since they knew what was about to come. Joe's jaw dropped as he locked eyes with Don's puzzled face.
Suddenly, the lights came up and in a shrill voice, Ethel bellowed, "What in God's name is this? Are you two insane? Do you think that this is what the residents of this community want to be a part of? I can't believe you would put on this whorehouse, this den of sin, this burlesque house! Mrs. Graham, I am so sorry they put you up to this, please, here, put this coat over yourself, and the rest of you, I apologize sincerely for these two buffoons, they will get their just desserts, that's for sure!"
"But, Mrs. McMullin, Ethel, we weren't put up to this, we wanted to do this. I recruited these ladies from my bridge club to do this. They were more than willing, as was I. As a matter of fact, it was my idea for us to take our tops off." A loud groan of disappointment came over the crowd with those words. "But I don't understand, this was supposed to be a bridge tournament," mumbled Ethel.
"You see, Mrs. McMullin, all of the activities that we have done are really well liked by everyone but you. And isn't that the sign of a good activity, when the participants enjoy it, eh? It shouldn't be up to you whether or not this is a wholesome activity or not, what matters is that it's something that these people can have fun doing. Let's face it, how much longer do they have anyway, eh?" proclaimed Don.
"Well, I guess I can see your point, Donald. But this is still..."
"Still what?" Joe energetically interrupted, "Wrong? Dirty? Slutty? Well, yeah! But how often do these people get to do what's wrong, dirty or slutty? Never. Let them live for once, would you please, Ethel?"
"Well, I guess I can see things your way. Well, we will have to discuss this later. For now, boys, please keep it down, ok?" Mrs. McMullin stuttered. Joe and Don agreed simultaneously, "Yes, Mrs. McMullin!"
As the door closed, a loud cry of joy erupted from the men and women in the hall as the lights lowered, the music raised and the tops dropped.